Reflections on Becoming a Savta
So, our oldest daughter, Yoella, and her wonderful husband, Jeremy are now parents of adorable and very beloved (so quickly they come into your lives, these new souls entered this world a mere 13 days ago on September 15, 2010) identical twin girls. We had the privilege of being part of the very special naming ceremony (Simchat HaBanot or Zeved HaBanot – to cover both Ashkenazic and Sephardic ground being the pluralists and Klal Yisraelniks we are!) this past Sunday, Chol HaMoed Sukkot for Neima Hadar and Neli Shimona. Beautiful names, a beautiful ceremony shared with family and friends, and so well thought out by my daughter and son-in-law. In these almost two weeks we already see that they are going to be fun parents with a fun family that will embrace, value and nurture these two girls, truly presents from G-d (the translation, rough though it may be, of the Sephardic name for the ceremony).
As I was sitting there for yet another special occasion (as if Tishrei does not throw enough special days and events our way generally), I noticed the wonder of the moment. The birth of these beautiful girls, the joy in my daughter’s and son-in-law’s faces, the presence of about 120 family and friends, skyping in (thank you, technology!) our daughter Talie from Be’er Sheva where she is in Medical School, and Mira, Jeremy’s sister who is presently in Australia, and so much else.
One profound highlight of the service, aside from the naming itself and the subsequent ceremony and explanation of the names, was an unusual and deeply moving Hoshanot procession with Torahs, Lulavim and Etrogim and babies in tow! Everyone was near tears! We brought together my daughter and son-in-law’s Modern Orthodox congregation from Center City Philadelphia (M’Kor HaBracha), a sizable number of their fellow Akiba Hebrew Academy alumni and classmates, members of our own Young Israel shul, a representative grouping of Germantown Jewish Center, a Conservative synagogue in the area, active Reform and Reconstructionist Jewish practitioners, and people who are part of the larger Jewish community, those who are part of other faith communities, and so many other wonderful human beings.
During the explanation of the names of the newest members of the Jewish community (though we did wait 11 days for this, so there are no doubt newer ones by this point), it was clear the amazing thought and consideration that Yoella and Jeremy put into these choices. The souls that are recalled in these names were all people of great faith and character and their legacies will be carried on in these new lives and in this newly configured family. What honor (and responsibility) these girls carry with them as they begin their own exciting journeys!
I am watching all of this with tears in my eyes and a swelling of gratitude in my heart that was difficult to contain. How dare any parent be as happy and fulfilled as I am – how can it be possible to be so blessed?! G-d has truly given us so much. I am looking at my children – Yoella and Jeremy, Talie (on the computer screen), Rachie who came back from New Orleans and her work in repairing the world, and our fourteen year old Brian who is already the proud and care giving uncle, and of course, my wonderful husband Ken and it is hard to put into words the depth of feelings I have. The greatest blessing of all for a parent is to feel that your children are exactly what you had dared to hope they would be – wonderful human beings, caring individuals, committed Jews (in our case), and grateful for all that they have.
I know that Neima Hadar and Neli Shimona are truly blessed to be their parents’ children, the niece of their uncles and aunts, grandchildren to seven grandparents, and the member of this wonderful family with four great-grandparents, cousins, friends and community, and oh yes, among all of this a new Zaide (Ken) and as for me….. we don’t use the G word or the B word, just call me Savta!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Learning to Appreciate and Acknowledge all of G-d’s Children
It’s truly funny how our learning experiences are so cumulative and connected if we are truly paying attention. I think its one of those coincidences of life …. You know, G-d’s way of remaining anonymous.
So, my son Brian and I have finally returned to our regimen of learning Gemara after his various camp experiences this summer. Lo and behold, here we are on 8b of Berachot and we read the most amazing information. Loosely translated, here goes:
It was taught in a Baraita by Rabbi Akiba: There are three things I like about the people of Medes. When they cut their meat they cut it on a table (as opposed to using their hand for a base, which could lead to injury and spilling of blood); when they kiss, they kiss only on the hand (as opposed to the face or mouth, thus spreading germs); and when they hold counsel, they hold counsel only in the field (and not in public leading to possible embarrassment).
A bit later, we continue with another group of admirable practices of a grouping other than the Jews:
It was taught in a Baraita by Rabbi Gamliel: There are three things I like about the Persians. They are modest in eating, they are modest in using the privy, and they are modest in their marital relations.
These Baraitot occur within the discussion of practices that the Jewish people should or should not engage in, specifically not to cut meat or food using one’s hand as a base and not walking by a synagogue while there is a minyan and not going in. It is within this discussion of appropriate practices that these Baraitot appear, indicating that important teachers amongst our Jewish scholars found these practices of other peoples admirable, perhaps so much so they should be emulated within our Jewish ranks.
Who says that only WE know what G-d wants? Who says that the most devout amongst any group, even the Jews cannot learn about refinement and proper behavior from others? After all as we learn in Pirke Avot, “The Mitzvot are given to us to refine us.”
There is an important lesson here, especially in our day of fractionalization and so much enmity between different groups of faith communities, both within and amongst them.
Merely a few weeks earlier this summer at the Sholom Hartman Institute, we learned a chapter of Isaiah, specifically 19. The end of this chapter goes as follows (verses 23 – 25):
In that day there will be a highway out of Egypt stretching to Assyria and the Assyrians shall come into Egypt and the Egyptians shall come into Assyria; the Egyptians and the Assyrians shall serve and work together. In that day Israel will be third with Egypt and Assyria; even a blessing in the midst of the land. The Lord of hosts shall bless them saying, “Blessed by Egypt my people and Assyria the work of my hands; and Israel my inheritance.”
This text was presented with the challenge that it was probable that the 130+ Rabbis and scholars in the room had rarely, if ever, taught it. As we learned it together we discerned why. This text as well as the texts above from Berachot goes against the grain of the particularism that so many Jews hold dear. Here we learn that Egypt and Assyria will also be blessed if they can “pass the test” of cooperation and we come in third. How humbling!
To be sure, we are NOT G-d’s only children and G-d does not ONLY have expectations of us and no others. Clearly there are practices of other people such as those of Medes and Persia that are noteworthy and valuable to consider and there is potential redemption for all peoples, even Egypt and Assyria if they (that is WE) learn to work together.
Clearly something to consider as we approach the Days of Awe and listen to the call to ALL of the Shofar these days of Elul!
Creator of the Universe! Let us learn to work together and travel to and fro from each other’s land and ways of understanding. Let us acknowledge what is praiseworthy in each other. Let us learn to live and work together while maintaining the important aspects of our individual identities!
So, my son Brian and I have finally returned to our regimen of learning Gemara after his various camp experiences this summer. Lo and behold, here we are on 8b of Berachot and we read the most amazing information. Loosely translated, here goes:
It was taught in a Baraita by Rabbi Akiba: There are three things I like about the people of Medes. When they cut their meat they cut it on a table (as opposed to using their hand for a base, which could lead to injury and spilling of blood); when they kiss, they kiss only on the hand (as opposed to the face or mouth, thus spreading germs); and when they hold counsel, they hold counsel only in the field (and not in public leading to possible embarrassment).
A bit later, we continue with another group of admirable practices of a grouping other than the Jews:
It was taught in a Baraita by Rabbi Gamliel: There are three things I like about the Persians. They are modest in eating, they are modest in using the privy, and they are modest in their marital relations.
These Baraitot occur within the discussion of practices that the Jewish people should or should not engage in, specifically not to cut meat or food using one’s hand as a base and not walking by a synagogue while there is a minyan and not going in. It is within this discussion of appropriate practices that these Baraitot appear, indicating that important teachers amongst our Jewish scholars found these practices of other peoples admirable, perhaps so much so they should be emulated within our Jewish ranks.
Who says that only WE know what G-d wants? Who says that the most devout amongst any group, even the Jews cannot learn about refinement and proper behavior from others? After all as we learn in Pirke Avot, “The Mitzvot are given to us to refine us.”
There is an important lesson here, especially in our day of fractionalization and so much enmity between different groups of faith communities, both within and amongst them.
Merely a few weeks earlier this summer at the Sholom Hartman Institute, we learned a chapter of Isaiah, specifically 19. The end of this chapter goes as follows (verses 23 – 25):
In that day there will be a highway out of Egypt stretching to Assyria and the Assyrians shall come into Egypt and the Egyptians shall come into Assyria; the Egyptians and the Assyrians shall serve and work together. In that day Israel will be third with Egypt and Assyria; even a blessing in the midst of the land. The Lord of hosts shall bless them saying, “Blessed by Egypt my people and Assyria the work of my hands; and Israel my inheritance.”
This text was presented with the challenge that it was probable that the 130+ Rabbis and scholars in the room had rarely, if ever, taught it. As we learned it together we discerned why. This text as well as the texts above from Berachot goes against the grain of the particularism that so many Jews hold dear. Here we learn that Egypt and Assyria will also be blessed if they can “pass the test” of cooperation and we come in third. How humbling!
To be sure, we are NOT G-d’s only children and G-d does not ONLY have expectations of us and no others. Clearly there are practices of other people such as those of Medes and Persia that are noteworthy and valuable to consider and there is potential redemption for all peoples, even Egypt and Assyria if they (that is WE) learn to work together.
Clearly something to consider as we approach the Days of Awe and listen to the call to ALL of the Shofar these days of Elul!
Creator of the Universe! Let us learn to work together and travel to and fro from each other’s land and ways of understanding. Let us acknowledge what is praiseworthy in each other. Let us learn to live and work together while maintaining the important aspects of our individual identities!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
So, how strict do you want to be?
We all know how the joke goes. Moshe Rabbeinu is having a conversation with Ribbonu shel Olam about Kashrut. G-d asks how its going and Moshe, who must himself be rather amazed by the developments since his departure from this earth, explains about the waiting increasing lengths of time between meat and dairy, separate pots and pans, separate ovens, bugs in lettuce, no longer eating the fruits that cannot be peeled, various hechsharim devised by those for whom the existing ones are not good enough and so on. G-d has finally heard enough and says, “Wait a minute, they got all of that from not boiling a kid in its mother’s milk?!” Irreverence aside, there is a reason for the joke and an important lesson in its message. As Charles Kimball explains in his very important book When Religion Becomes Evil, religion (and in our case, Judaism) is a most valuable and important institution that becomes severely compromised and tainted when the Created Being knows better than the Creator what G-d wants from us as G-d’s Created Beings.
So, during this last week’s Parsha, we all heard the Tochecha, the list of warnings given for wrong doings that were of a private nature. As my daughter, Yoella Leah Epstein, pointed out with the acuity that naturally accompanies her thinking, in this list of misdeeds that we read in a particularly quiet and thoughtful voice to reflect the private nature in which we go against G-d and all that we stand for in such misdeeds, any statement about the injunction against single sex loving relationships is missing. What do we make of this, if anything, given the intense emotions, sometimes bordering on hysteria with which such discussions often occur about our homosexual sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers and our many loved ones and close friends? Could it just be -- really could it (?!?) that G-d is conveying the notion that gang rape and abusive and demeaning sexual relations of ANY KIND is a public chet while we should continue to love and support and FULLY ACCEPT those close to us who are biologically wired for intimate and loving and nurturing relationships other than the man-wife notion presented in the beginning of Bereshit? Could this be another “intended loophole” much like the one we note with the daughters of Zelophachad in which we learn that yes, there might be ideals inherent in our Torah law, such as there will always be sons to inherit, children will never die before their parents, and men and women will marry and love each other and produce children! Yet, reality does not always meet ideal and clearly G-d adjusts, why can’t we?
In a day and age where our Young Israel national organization has recently declared that Gerim/converts are not allowed to lead our congregations’ lay boards as President, and burkas are worn by women in Ramat Beit Shemesh and so much else is going on that I nor so many other students of Torah and Gemara cannot find anywhere, one has to ask what else is found in the Tochecha in terms of what appears and what does not? Perhaps, just perhaps we are missing a most important notion of our Jewish law – that there are limits (as seen in the Gemara itself if one carefully follows many of the discussions that end with Teiku, that humble statement that at the end of the day we may not know exactly what G-d had in mind and this DOES NOT give us blanket permission to make it up as we go along, adding more and more restrictions that makes being observant feel more like a fraternity hazing than the structured, caring, disciplined system of law it is intended to be.
So, if Moshe Rabbeinu popped in today, what would he think about these developments? What would G-d? Something to think about as we all ready ourselves for the coming Days of Awe, don’t you think?!
So, during this last week’s Parsha, we all heard the Tochecha, the list of warnings given for wrong doings that were of a private nature. As my daughter, Yoella Leah Epstein, pointed out with the acuity that naturally accompanies her thinking, in this list of misdeeds that we read in a particularly quiet and thoughtful voice to reflect the private nature in which we go against G-d and all that we stand for in such misdeeds, any statement about the injunction against single sex loving relationships is missing. What do we make of this, if anything, given the intense emotions, sometimes bordering on hysteria with which such discussions often occur about our homosexual sons and daughters, fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers and our many loved ones and close friends? Could it just be -- really could it (?!?) that G-d is conveying the notion that gang rape and abusive and demeaning sexual relations of ANY KIND is a public chet while we should continue to love and support and FULLY ACCEPT those close to us who are biologically wired for intimate and loving and nurturing relationships other than the man-wife notion presented in the beginning of Bereshit? Could this be another “intended loophole” much like the one we note with the daughters of Zelophachad in which we learn that yes, there might be ideals inherent in our Torah law, such as there will always be sons to inherit, children will never die before their parents, and men and women will marry and love each other and produce children! Yet, reality does not always meet ideal and clearly G-d adjusts, why can’t we?
In a day and age where our Young Israel national organization has recently declared that Gerim/converts are not allowed to lead our congregations’ lay boards as President, and burkas are worn by women in Ramat Beit Shemesh and so much else is going on that I nor so many other students of Torah and Gemara cannot find anywhere, one has to ask what else is found in the Tochecha in terms of what appears and what does not? Perhaps, just perhaps we are missing a most important notion of our Jewish law – that there are limits (as seen in the Gemara itself if one carefully follows many of the discussions that end with Teiku, that humble statement that at the end of the day we may not know exactly what G-d had in mind and this DOES NOT give us blanket permission to make it up as we go along, adding more and more restrictions that makes being observant feel more like a fraternity hazing than the structured, caring, disciplined system of law it is intended to be.
So, if Moshe Rabbeinu popped in today, what would he think about these developments? What would G-d? Something to think about as we all ready ourselves for the coming Days of Awe, don’t you think?!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Why I Am Still An Israel Junkie
I just returned from my annual summer stay in Israel approximately 24 hours ago. As always I was extremely busy with work, family, friends and just living in Israel. A most special feature of this time in Israel was that my 22 year old daughter Talie accompanied me. This past Wednesday night after three weeks together in a lovely Emek Refaiim apartment, I got on a plane to return to the United States and Talie drove down to Beer Sheva where she begins four years in Medical School at Ben Gurion University. We are all so excited for her and I know this will be an amazing experience.
As for me, this was my sixth summer as part of the Shalom Hartman Institute’s learning community. We focused on some work that is being undertaken at the Institute called Engaging Israel. There is so much talk out there about Israel, its problems, people’s disappointments and anger with Israel and so on. There is also so much to be proud of in terms of what Israel has managed to accomplish in 62 short years. If only more people would acknowledge and appreciate these accomplishments, but to be sure, this is not the point! What we focused on in this two week seminar was the fact that somewhere along the line, this conversation about what we do not like about Israel or what we think Israel should do differently has morphed into a dreaded question about Israel’s basic right to exist! To me this is nothing short of horrifying!
We must always remember that we are not perfect, we are not without fault and we will not always make the right decision for all people concerned in every situation. This is clearly the reality of the human being, our institutions and the countries in which we live and govern. No institution or country will be more perfect than the sum total of the imperfections of those that are part of it and comprise its reality. We accept this in our daily lives, our relationships in those lives and in the institutions with which we are associated in our reality. Why is it that Israel is held to a higher and ultimately unachievable standard?
True, we set ourselves up for this dilemma. Israel continues to try to be the best Jewish state possible. Israel continues to try to be the best democracy possible. Israel continues to try to do as much as possible for other peoples, for all of her citizens and residents and to fulfill that prophetic charge of being an Or LaGoyim, a light to the nations. Yet, with all of these efforts, Israel often falls short of her own expectations to say nothing of those of the invested as well as occasional or even reluctant spectators. Yes, there are groups that are not as supported as many might like. True, there is poverty, crime, dirty streets, lack of sensitivity towards others and all of the other shortcomings of a country. Find me one that has none of these!
Yet, and my family and I continue to return, often more than once per year, to spend some time in this wonderful place and just ….. breathe, take it in, and be part of it. Why? I could say that I am part of the start up nation gang but that is not it. I could speak about the feeling of thousands of years of history pulsating through my body when walking around – still very true and overwhelming, but that is not it either. I could say I love the feeling of being with “my” people, but clearly the way I see people treat each other on the streets as well as at holy sites mitigates against that feeling too often. So what is it? I think that in some, perhaps very strange way to be sure, measure, the very fact that we hold onto our hopes, our desires, expectations, and dreams about what “ought to be,” to use very Hartmanesque thinking, and continue to maintain these as goals for Israel is exactly what makes it so special. Israel is a real country with real problems, real challenges, real shortcomings, and everything else that being real brings about and evokes. That being said, there is something inherent in Israel that continues to ask of us to be our best and try for something better while we collectively support Israel in trying to do so as well. We are self-critical and accountable as we are commanded to be in a way that brings pain in our love of people and land, but there is no avoiding its place in the equation of just being.
At the Hartman Institute, there is constant talk of needing to have a new vocabulary with regard to how we speak about Israel. The old nostalgia will no longer do. The Chalutznik talk of the early years is irrelevant for today. Yerushalayim LeMaaleah (the utopian Jerusalem) is eclipsed by the dirty streets, the fighting factions and the lack of reverence for each other and place. I completely agree – we have to find a language that is somewhere on the continuum that includes our dreams and our reality, that challenges us to look at the REAL Israel and see it for what it is while encouraging ourselves to be seen for WHO we are. That being said, I still think Israel wants us to be the best we can be and to help Israel be the best she can be. This is what I feel so strongly and why I am so overjoyed that my daughter Talie will be living within this strange juxtaposition of hope and reality for the next four years. We will be there to share it with her and so many others as often as possible.
As for me, this was my sixth summer as part of the Shalom Hartman Institute’s learning community. We focused on some work that is being undertaken at the Institute called Engaging Israel. There is so much talk out there about Israel, its problems, people’s disappointments and anger with Israel and so on. There is also so much to be proud of in terms of what Israel has managed to accomplish in 62 short years. If only more people would acknowledge and appreciate these accomplishments, but to be sure, this is not the point! What we focused on in this two week seminar was the fact that somewhere along the line, this conversation about what we do not like about Israel or what we think Israel should do differently has morphed into a dreaded question about Israel’s basic right to exist! To me this is nothing short of horrifying!
We must always remember that we are not perfect, we are not without fault and we will not always make the right decision for all people concerned in every situation. This is clearly the reality of the human being, our institutions and the countries in which we live and govern. No institution or country will be more perfect than the sum total of the imperfections of those that are part of it and comprise its reality. We accept this in our daily lives, our relationships in those lives and in the institutions with which we are associated in our reality. Why is it that Israel is held to a higher and ultimately unachievable standard?
True, we set ourselves up for this dilemma. Israel continues to try to be the best Jewish state possible. Israel continues to try to be the best democracy possible. Israel continues to try to do as much as possible for other peoples, for all of her citizens and residents and to fulfill that prophetic charge of being an Or LaGoyim, a light to the nations. Yet, with all of these efforts, Israel often falls short of her own expectations to say nothing of those of the invested as well as occasional or even reluctant spectators. Yes, there are groups that are not as supported as many might like. True, there is poverty, crime, dirty streets, lack of sensitivity towards others and all of the other shortcomings of a country. Find me one that has none of these!
Yet, and my family and I continue to return, often more than once per year, to spend some time in this wonderful place and just ….. breathe, take it in, and be part of it. Why? I could say that I am part of the start up nation gang but that is not it. I could speak about the feeling of thousands of years of history pulsating through my body when walking around – still very true and overwhelming, but that is not it either. I could say I love the feeling of being with “my” people, but clearly the way I see people treat each other on the streets as well as at holy sites mitigates against that feeling too often. So what is it? I think that in some, perhaps very strange way to be sure, measure, the very fact that we hold onto our hopes, our desires, expectations, and dreams about what “ought to be,” to use very Hartmanesque thinking, and continue to maintain these as goals for Israel is exactly what makes it so special. Israel is a real country with real problems, real challenges, real shortcomings, and everything else that being real brings about and evokes. That being said, there is something inherent in Israel that continues to ask of us to be our best and try for something better while we collectively support Israel in trying to do so as well. We are self-critical and accountable as we are commanded to be in a way that brings pain in our love of people and land, but there is no avoiding its place in the equation of just being.
At the Hartman Institute, there is constant talk of needing to have a new vocabulary with regard to how we speak about Israel. The old nostalgia will no longer do. The Chalutznik talk of the early years is irrelevant for today. Yerushalayim LeMaaleah (the utopian Jerusalem) is eclipsed by the dirty streets, the fighting factions and the lack of reverence for each other and place. I completely agree – we have to find a language that is somewhere on the continuum that includes our dreams and our reality, that challenges us to look at the REAL Israel and see it for what it is while encouraging ourselves to be seen for WHO we are. That being said, I still think Israel wants us to be the best we can be and to help Israel be the best she can be. This is what I feel so strongly and why I am so overjoyed that my daughter Talie will be living within this strange juxtaposition of hope and reality for the next four years. We will be there to share it with her and so many others as often as possible.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Shir HaShirim, My Father, and an Eleventh Grade Tanach Class
We always value the repetition and review that is endemic to Jewish learning. We repeat cycles in our annual reading of Torah portions, celebrations of Jewish holidays, revisit learned material and consider ongoing review or “chazarah” as part and parcel of learning Gemara. So, this year as we celebrated Pesah, we all read the book of Shir HaShirim, the text of the greatest love poem and story of all time – that between the people of Israel and G-d, according to Rashi and classical commentators; and between a man and his beloved wife/woman according to the words of the text as read by so many. Others have suggested a variety of additional possible readings. My contention is that this is a great love story between A and B and that it is not critically important which identity we give to these two lovers. Isn’t that the sign of great poetry and literature – its potential for universal appeal and application?!
So, I was teaching the text of Shir HaShirim to a wonderful group of eleventh grade students as I have often done as part of my teaching and learning life. This year was different though. This particular group of students really grabbed on to this writing and its multitude of meanings and possibilities. As a result, my experience in this wonderful Community of Teachers and Learners (always my goal and how I see my mission as a Jewish educator – to see all of us as both teachers and learners in a community I facilitate!) was even more thoughtful and intense than in the past. We really grappled with the text in a meaningful and soulful manner. (Thank you to this wonderful group of intelligent young people!).
So, as a result of my experience as a learner with this group, I considered the love story and what is really going on. To be sure there are many issues that bother and concern commentators in terms of the language, ambiguity of voice, mixed pronouns and so much else. But this year, I had a wholly (and holy, you might say) different insight and experience. What if Shir HaShirim reflects an intentional use of mixed metaphors, ambiguous references, changed pronouns, etc. to show how in a great love relationship the point is that two realities blur into one, in a symbiotic and wonderful way so that the dividing lines between the reality of each party are blurred and in so being such, joined together. Imagine two people who love each other immensely chasing/running to meet and then their silhouette appears as if it is one entity. Where does the one begin and the other end? This is the love we strive for…. With our life partners, our soul mates (called ahavat nafshi in the text); between parents and children and in other nuclear family relations on a different level; between best friends who truly understand each other and so on. To be clear, I am speaking here of relational intimacy, not sexual or physical, necessarily.
So what does it mean to blur the lines of our separate beings for the sake of our relationships with those we truly love? Isn’t this the point of the “chase” to love and be loved; and my contention is that it is precisely this chase that is found in the words of this beautiful text. To be sure, this is hard for many people to do. Clearly, we are taught the importance of being defensive and assertive about our clear identity and to not “lose ourselves.” I don’t think that this is what is at stake. I think that if we love so much, that we are willing to let go of our expectations for the other – the one we love so dearly – to enter our reality, and instead are willing to become part of theirs, what different and richer perspectives we may have. Prepare to be amazed as well as humbled!
So to move away from the text for a moment (but clearly my intention is to return), my personal life this year has been deeply colored by my father’s ongoing health concerns. As part of a variety of physical and other manifestations, he has some dementia at this point. It is more present some days than others, due to the various complications involved with managing his complex health care needs. A few weeks ago, my husband, one of our daughters and I went to be with him and my mother in the hospital. We try to be with them as often as possible, considering the distance between where we live outside of Philadelphia and their residence in Baltimore. We entered the hospital room and it was clear that this was going to be a day of confusion on the part of my dad. At other times when I would see this, I was so overwhelmed by what was going on, I would have to leave the room and cry it out before returning. This particular day, however, this was not the case. I felt strong and ready to be there with him!
My dad was somewhat agitated and I asked him what was wrong. He replied (from his lying position in his hospital bed) that he was making omelets and that the egg shells were on his hands and he could not get rid of them. I asked him if he wanted some help. He replied that he did so I placed my hands in a cup under his and “pulled the egg shells off his hands.” We did this several times, I helped him get the bowl to stir the eggs, get the onion skins off of his hands after he “finished cutting the onions” and otherwise assisted him with this vivid culinary scene in his mind, participating in his reality and stepping out of mine. My daughter, husband and mother looked on with varying degrees of puzzlement and understanding. My dad was happy and whole for a piece of time.
Back for a moment to my eleventh grade learning group and the text we were learning.
In Shir HaShirim, chapter 7, verse 1, we read:
שׁ֤וּבִי שׁ֨וּבִי֙ הַשּׁ֣וּלַמִּ֔ית שׁ֥וּבִי שׁ֖וּבִי וְנֶחֱזֶה־בָּ֑ךְ
Return, Return, (to) the state of being complete;
Return, return, lets us gaze at you
In this part of the great love story and the chase in trying to come together, the notion is that by returning to each other and embracing each one’s reality as one and the same, there is a completeness that can only be the product of a love and a loving relationship. I felt that completeness with my father. I remember vividly as a child when my dad, with great aplomb would prepare elaborate omelets. In his mind at this moment in the hospital room, that is where he was, nurturing and loving his family. And I, his daughter, for a few minutes, was right there with him.
Return, return to the state of being complete! I now have a completely new understanding of that verse and what it teaches about love …. True love between the A and B of your choice! For me, it helped me love my dad.
Please include Kalman HaLevi Ben Rachel in your prayers. Todah Rabbah!
So, I was teaching the text of Shir HaShirim to a wonderful group of eleventh grade students as I have often done as part of my teaching and learning life. This year was different though. This particular group of students really grabbed on to this writing and its multitude of meanings and possibilities. As a result, my experience in this wonderful Community of Teachers and Learners (always my goal and how I see my mission as a Jewish educator – to see all of us as both teachers and learners in a community I facilitate!) was even more thoughtful and intense than in the past. We really grappled with the text in a meaningful and soulful manner. (Thank you to this wonderful group of intelligent young people!).
So, as a result of my experience as a learner with this group, I considered the love story and what is really going on. To be sure there are many issues that bother and concern commentators in terms of the language, ambiguity of voice, mixed pronouns and so much else. But this year, I had a wholly (and holy, you might say) different insight and experience. What if Shir HaShirim reflects an intentional use of mixed metaphors, ambiguous references, changed pronouns, etc. to show how in a great love relationship the point is that two realities blur into one, in a symbiotic and wonderful way so that the dividing lines between the reality of each party are blurred and in so being such, joined together. Imagine two people who love each other immensely chasing/running to meet and then their silhouette appears as if it is one entity. Where does the one begin and the other end? This is the love we strive for…. With our life partners, our soul mates (called ahavat nafshi in the text); between parents and children and in other nuclear family relations on a different level; between best friends who truly understand each other and so on. To be clear, I am speaking here of relational intimacy, not sexual or physical, necessarily.
So what does it mean to blur the lines of our separate beings for the sake of our relationships with those we truly love? Isn’t this the point of the “chase” to love and be loved; and my contention is that it is precisely this chase that is found in the words of this beautiful text. To be sure, this is hard for many people to do. Clearly, we are taught the importance of being defensive and assertive about our clear identity and to not “lose ourselves.” I don’t think that this is what is at stake. I think that if we love so much, that we are willing to let go of our expectations for the other – the one we love so dearly – to enter our reality, and instead are willing to become part of theirs, what different and richer perspectives we may have. Prepare to be amazed as well as humbled!
So to move away from the text for a moment (but clearly my intention is to return), my personal life this year has been deeply colored by my father’s ongoing health concerns. As part of a variety of physical and other manifestations, he has some dementia at this point. It is more present some days than others, due to the various complications involved with managing his complex health care needs. A few weeks ago, my husband, one of our daughters and I went to be with him and my mother in the hospital. We try to be with them as often as possible, considering the distance between where we live outside of Philadelphia and their residence in Baltimore. We entered the hospital room and it was clear that this was going to be a day of confusion on the part of my dad. At other times when I would see this, I was so overwhelmed by what was going on, I would have to leave the room and cry it out before returning. This particular day, however, this was not the case. I felt strong and ready to be there with him!
My dad was somewhat agitated and I asked him what was wrong. He replied (from his lying position in his hospital bed) that he was making omelets and that the egg shells were on his hands and he could not get rid of them. I asked him if he wanted some help. He replied that he did so I placed my hands in a cup under his and “pulled the egg shells off his hands.” We did this several times, I helped him get the bowl to stir the eggs, get the onion skins off of his hands after he “finished cutting the onions” and otherwise assisted him with this vivid culinary scene in his mind, participating in his reality and stepping out of mine. My daughter, husband and mother looked on with varying degrees of puzzlement and understanding. My dad was happy and whole for a piece of time.
Back for a moment to my eleventh grade learning group and the text we were learning.
In Shir HaShirim, chapter 7, verse 1, we read:
שׁ֤וּבִי שׁ֨וּבִי֙ הַשּׁ֣וּלַמִּ֔ית שׁ֥וּבִי שׁ֖וּבִי וְנֶחֱזֶה־בָּ֑ךְ
Return, Return, (to) the state of being complete;
Return, return, lets us gaze at you
In this part of the great love story and the chase in trying to come together, the notion is that by returning to each other and embracing each one’s reality as one and the same, there is a completeness that can only be the product of a love and a loving relationship. I felt that completeness with my father. I remember vividly as a child when my dad, with great aplomb would prepare elaborate omelets. In his mind at this moment in the hospital room, that is where he was, nurturing and loving his family. And I, his daughter, for a few minutes, was right there with him.
Return, return to the state of being complete! I now have a completely new understanding of that verse and what it teaches about love …. True love between the A and B of your choice! For me, it helped me love my dad.
Please include Kalman HaLevi Ben Rachel in your prayers. Todah Rabbah!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
My Ongoing Confusion About Sefirah
I grew up as an observant pre-1975 Conservative Jew for whom Halacha was clearly the authority. As part of that upbringing I was acutely aware of the lack of music and celebrations between the Hagim of Pesah and Shavuot, those days known as the Counting of the Omer, or Sefirat HaOmer. This was not merely a function of my mother’s Orthodox background and the fact that she was the Morah D’atra of the home, but also the fact of the matter was that this was universally observed in our congregational community’s world.
Now, after living squarely in the center of the Orthodox community for my entire adult life, Sefirah has become quite the curious time for me. Some people only observe the restrictions with which I was brought up from after Rosh Hodesh Iyyar, others stop the restrictions at Lag B’Omer, and still others count a certain number of days. These Sephardim to this, those Ashkenazim do that. I even remember one wedding years ago on Yom HaShoah, clearly not observed at all by the Orthodox community in which the wedding was held. All I know is that I have gone to festive parties, weddings and other celebrations during a period of time that was basically quiet and void of these things when I grew up…. So, it is clearly understood that I am confused.
It is a confusion that I can, and obviously do, live with. That is not the problem. It is the lesson of this confusion that I find so curious. We actually know that if a family in our Orthodox community has a simcha and their celebration occurs on a day which is during the period of restrictive behaviors that we observe as the standard that I have known my whole life, we are able to join with them – that is to yield to their minhag, their custom, while temporarily suspending ours in order to join in the simcha, an important mitzvah in its own right. What a wonderful way to build community and to show that in the end we are all connected to each other enough that we can put aside such personally held observances, and even stringencies, dare I say.
My question is why we can not apply this to other areas of our life. We, who are so lenient on this point, which was admittedly difficult and uncomfortable for me (and I think still is to some degree), will not budge one bit on other matters, which are probably analogous, or even less profound. For example, there are specific matters of personal stringencies of Kashrut that, while important to the individual, need not be fodder for embarrassment of others in the community. The extension of what is mukseh (not to be touched for purposes of improper use) on Shabbat is one of my personal favorites. Years ago, my children and their friends were playing nicely when a neighbor really overreacted to their personal understanding of whether or not it was proper for ME to allow MY children to play with Connectix (which are yielding only temporary connections between pieces, and therefore, in our understanding do not quality as mukseh – truly a whole other discussion), but trust me, not anywhere near the cause for the reaction and concern it caused.
We are a community and I continue to believe that G-d is much more lenient on what we forego as individuals to make that community than are many members of the community. Ironically, it is these very members of the community who often have their semachot during the time that was “black out time for celebratory events” in my younger years. No problem – I am glad to celebrate with them. I just wish others would agree that it is more important to live as a whole and caring community than to not be willing to yield when G-d is!
Now, after living squarely in the center of the Orthodox community for my entire adult life, Sefirah has become quite the curious time for me. Some people only observe the restrictions with which I was brought up from after Rosh Hodesh Iyyar, others stop the restrictions at Lag B’Omer, and still others count a certain number of days. These Sephardim to this, those Ashkenazim do that. I even remember one wedding years ago on Yom HaShoah, clearly not observed at all by the Orthodox community in which the wedding was held. All I know is that I have gone to festive parties, weddings and other celebrations during a period of time that was basically quiet and void of these things when I grew up…. So, it is clearly understood that I am confused.
It is a confusion that I can, and obviously do, live with. That is not the problem. It is the lesson of this confusion that I find so curious. We actually know that if a family in our Orthodox community has a simcha and their celebration occurs on a day which is during the period of restrictive behaviors that we observe as the standard that I have known my whole life, we are able to join with them – that is to yield to their minhag, their custom, while temporarily suspending ours in order to join in the simcha, an important mitzvah in its own right. What a wonderful way to build community and to show that in the end we are all connected to each other enough that we can put aside such personally held observances, and even stringencies, dare I say.
My question is why we can not apply this to other areas of our life. We, who are so lenient on this point, which was admittedly difficult and uncomfortable for me (and I think still is to some degree), will not budge one bit on other matters, which are probably analogous, or even less profound. For example, there are specific matters of personal stringencies of Kashrut that, while important to the individual, need not be fodder for embarrassment of others in the community. The extension of what is mukseh (not to be touched for purposes of improper use) on Shabbat is one of my personal favorites. Years ago, my children and their friends were playing nicely when a neighbor really overreacted to their personal understanding of whether or not it was proper for ME to allow MY children to play with Connectix (which are yielding only temporary connections between pieces, and therefore, in our understanding do not quality as mukseh – truly a whole other discussion), but trust me, not anywhere near the cause for the reaction and concern it caused.
We are a community and I continue to believe that G-d is much more lenient on what we forego as individuals to make that community than are many members of the community. Ironically, it is these very members of the community who often have their semachot during the time that was “black out time for celebratory events” in my younger years. No problem – I am glad to celebrate with them. I just wish others would agree that it is more important to live as a whole and caring community than to not be willing to yield when G-d is!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Back to the Gemara and Lessons about why and how we learn Torah
Back to the Gemara and Lessons about why and how we learn Torah
In my ongoing Gemara learning with my son, Brian, we are approaching the end of 8a of Berachot. This week we learned the following text:
And Rabbi Chiya bar Ami said in the name of Ulla, Greater is he who derives benefit from his own labor and efforts (while showing awe for G-d) than the one who shows awe for G-d (and does not labor on his own but depends on others for sustenance). (translated from the text on Berachot 8a)
At this point, as often happens in the Gemara, Rabbi Chiya quotes texts from Tanach to amplify the point just presented. The two texts that are quoted both come to us from Tehilim, the Book of Psalms:
About the one who has great awe for G-d and does not depend on his own labor for sustenance, we read in Tehilim 112.1 that
א הַֽלְלוּיָ֨הּ ׀ אַשְׁרֵי־אִ֭ישׁ יָרֵ֣א אֶת־יְהֹוָ֑ה בְּ֝מִצְוֹתָ֗יו חָ֘פֵ֥ץ מְאֹֽד:
Happy is the person who has awe for G-d and wants greatly (to do) G-d’s commandments.
About the one who derives benefit from his own labor and efforts while showing awe for G-d (this is understood as always being part of the equation in such texts and omission is not due to lack of presence, but the fact that this awe is a given), we read in Tehilim 128.2 that
ב יְגִ֣יעַ כַּ֭פֶּיךָ כִּ֣י תֹאכֵ֑ל אַ֝שְׁרֶ֗יךָ וְט֣וֹב לָֽךְ:
You shall eat from (enjoy) the efforts (fruits) of your hands (labor); you will be happy and it will go well for you.
The text of the Gemara now shows that Rabbi Chiya points to the fact that in both cases people are happy (note the root for happiness: aleph – shin – reish), but only when one works and then depends upon and derives what he needs from this labor, do we add the blessing that “it will go well for you.” The notion is presented that the happiness will come in this world, in Olam HaZeh, while the “good” that will be his reward comes in Olam HaBa. This second blessing does not appear for the one who only depends on G-d, but does not provide for his family and himself.
Clearly this runs counter to the well known joke of an intended son-in-law who comes to his future father-in-law before the wedding. He has already indicated that his plans are to learn full time in Kollel and he does not intend to work at a profession. The father-in-law-to-be is appropriately concerned and asks him, “So, how will you pay for your home?” The young man quickly replies to this, “G-d will provide.” The father-in-law then continues to ask, “What about the food that you need to eat?” Once again, the young scholar answers, “G-d will provide.” “How will you educate your children?” persists the father-in-law with his line of questioning. Again, the same response, “G-d will provide.” This goes on for some time with the father-in-law questioning and the intended son-in-law continuing to pronounce his simple response. After the conversation the father-in-law-to-be goes to see his wife. “So, how did the conversation go,” she asks. “Great,” replies her husband, “The young man thinks I am G-d.”
This is not an empty joke based upon a theoretical situation but reflects the truth for many families in many of our communities. I distinctly remember years ago when I heard a D’var Torah by one of the Rabbaim in our community who insisted that we are responsible for the education of every child and once we finish paying for our own children, those who are paying ARE OBLIGATED to pay for the other children in the community whose families cannot (will not?! because of their choices) do so. I was extremely offended by the implications that we all understood. Namely, for those who study full time, I and the other professionals are supposed to join that father-in-law and provide. What does doing so deny my children for whom I take COMPLETE FINANCIAL responsibility and work hard to make sure that they have what they need? More importantly, what would doing so TEACH my children about not relying on their own skills and capacity to support and take care of themselves?
Now, true many will charge that the teaching cited above is Aggadic material (the stories we tell) and therefore is not weighted as much as Halachic (legal) material. In this framework, this story has little if any standing to support my case for not buying the “support our Kollel families” mentality. However, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks teaches us that the stories we tell as part of our Jewish foundational texts are not only as important as the laws we teach but more so in that they give us a sense of the application of the laws by real people in real times. In other words, for Sacks, these stories are not devoid of Halacha but rather the activation of their practice and applications in our lives.
One does not have to go far to understand this. Remember that the Tanaim and Amoraim had professions in addition to their reputation as learners of text. They were water carriers, hewers of wood, teachers, doctors, and contributed to society as well as supported themselves and their families by a variety of means. Why is this NOT the example followed in too many (though clearly not all!) corridors of Jewish learning communities today?
Now, we return to our text at hand from Berachot 8a. The message is clear. We are to study Torah, have awe of G-d, AND understand that the best way to actualize and put these things and teachings into practice is precisely by being involved in a worldly occupation. Shimeon Bar Yochai learned this lesson when he emerged from the cave in which he was for so long and misunderstood what he saw when he observed people preparing for Shabbat by dealing with their crops and produce. As a result of not understanding that this is the way of the world and actualizing Torah in the world – namely to be involved in the world in practical ways – he was sent by G-d back into his cave. Perhaps this is the problem – too many in our communities have willfully created their own caves and refuse to be part of worldly pursuits.
It is at this point that the text of Berachot 8a comes to teach us that we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We have to provide for our families and the wellbeing of those for whom we are responsible as well as learn and show that we have awe of G-d. In fact, by taking responsibilities we ARE SHOWING our awe for G-d by taking care of ourselves and others created by G-d to whom we are directly accountable.
In my ongoing Gemara learning with my son, Brian, we are approaching the end of 8a of Berachot. This week we learned the following text:
And Rabbi Chiya bar Ami said in the name of Ulla, Greater is he who derives benefit from his own labor and efforts (while showing awe for G-d) than the one who shows awe for G-d (and does not labor on his own but depends on others for sustenance). (translated from the text on Berachot 8a)
At this point, as often happens in the Gemara, Rabbi Chiya quotes texts from Tanach to amplify the point just presented. The two texts that are quoted both come to us from Tehilim, the Book of Psalms:
About the one who has great awe for G-d and does not depend on his own labor for sustenance, we read in Tehilim 112.1 that
א הַֽלְלוּיָ֨הּ ׀ אַשְׁרֵי־אִ֭ישׁ יָרֵ֣א אֶת־יְהֹוָ֑ה בְּ֝מִצְוֹתָ֗יו חָ֘פֵ֥ץ מְאֹֽד:
Happy is the person who has awe for G-d and wants greatly (to do) G-d’s commandments.
About the one who derives benefit from his own labor and efforts while showing awe for G-d (this is understood as always being part of the equation in such texts and omission is not due to lack of presence, but the fact that this awe is a given), we read in Tehilim 128.2 that
ב יְגִ֣יעַ כַּ֭פֶּיךָ כִּ֣י תֹאכֵ֑ל אַ֝שְׁרֶ֗יךָ וְט֣וֹב לָֽךְ:
You shall eat from (enjoy) the efforts (fruits) of your hands (labor); you will be happy and it will go well for you.
The text of the Gemara now shows that Rabbi Chiya points to the fact that in both cases people are happy (note the root for happiness: aleph – shin – reish), but only when one works and then depends upon and derives what he needs from this labor, do we add the blessing that “it will go well for you.” The notion is presented that the happiness will come in this world, in Olam HaZeh, while the “good” that will be his reward comes in Olam HaBa. This second blessing does not appear for the one who only depends on G-d, but does not provide for his family and himself.
Clearly this runs counter to the well known joke of an intended son-in-law who comes to his future father-in-law before the wedding. He has already indicated that his plans are to learn full time in Kollel and he does not intend to work at a profession. The father-in-law-to-be is appropriately concerned and asks him, “So, how will you pay for your home?” The young man quickly replies to this, “G-d will provide.” The father-in-law then continues to ask, “What about the food that you need to eat?” Once again, the young scholar answers, “G-d will provide.” “How will you educate your children?” persists the father-in-law with his line of questioning. Again, the same response, “G-d will provide.” This goes on for some time with the father-in-law questioning and the intended son-in-law continuing to pronounce his simple response. After the conversation the father-in-law-to-be goes to see his wife. “So, how did the conversation go,” she asks. “Great,” replies her husband, “The young man thinks I am G-d.”
This is not an empty joke based upon a theoretical situation but reflects the truth for many families in many of our communities. I distinctly remember years ago when I heard a D’var Torah by one of the Rabbaim in our community who insisted that we are responsible for the education of every child and once we finish paying for our own children, those who are paying ARE OBLIGATED to pay for the other children in the community whose families cannot (will not?! because of their choices) do so. I was extremely offended by the implications that we all understood. Namely, for those who study full time, I and the other professionals are supposed to join that father-in-law and provide. What does doing so deny my children for whom I take COMPLETE FINANCIAL responsibility and work hard to make sure that they have what they need? More importantly, what would doing so TEACH my children about not relying on their own skills and capacity to support and take care of themselves?
Now, true many will charge that the teaching cited above is Aggadic material (the stories we tell) and therefore is not weighted as much as Halachic (legal) material. In this framework, this story has little if any standing to support my case for not buying the “support our Kollel families” mentality. However, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks teaches us that the stories we tell as part of our Jewish foundational texts are not only as important as the laws we teach but more so in that they give us a sense of the application of the laws by real people in real times. In other words, for Sacks, these stories are not devoid of Halacha but rather the activation of their practice and applications in our lives.
One does not have to go far to understand this. Remember that the Tanaim and Amoraim had professions in addition to their reputation as learners of text. They were water carriers, hewers of wood, teachers, doctors, and contributed to society as well as supported themselves and their families by a variety of means. Why is this NOT the example followed in too many (though clearly not all!) corridors of Jewish learning communities today?
Now, we return to our text at hand from Berachot 8a. The message is clear. We are to study Torah, have awe of G-d, AND understand that the best way to actualize and put these things and teachings into practice is precisely by being involved in a worldly occupation. Shimeon Bar Yochai learned this lesson when he emerged from the cave in which he was for so long and misunderstood what he saw when he observed people preparing for Shabbat by dealing with their crops and produce. As a result of not understanding that this is the way of the world and actualizing Torah in the world – namely to be involved in the world in practical ways – he was sent by G-d back into his cave. Perhaps this is the problem – too many in our communities have willfully created their own caves and refuse to be part of worldly pursuits.
It is at this point that the text of Berachot 8a comes to teach us that we have to take responsibility for ourselves. We have to provide for our families and the wellbeing of those for whom we are responsible as well as learn and show that we have awe of G-d. In fact, by taking responsibilities we ARE SHOWING our awe for G-d by taking care of ourselves and others created by G-d to whom we are directly accountable.
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