Candy Bars, Designer Sneakers, Manicured Nails and Lessons in Understanding Others

There is a fundamental Jewish teaching from Pirke Avot [Ethics of the Fathers] that instructs us to not judge another person/ your friend until you have reached his/her place. We all know the adage that feels a lot like this one “Don’t judge an Indian (or grouping or person of your choosing) until you have walked in his/her moccasins.” So, you may ask, what is the difference? I think that Hillel, the one to whom the first teaching is attributed is adding another level to this notion of realizing the experience of the person standing before you, so to speak, is NOT the same as yours or what it would be if it was yours. Until you TOTALLY understand that person, not in the context of your experience, your values, or YOUR moccasins; but rather, WHEN YOU HAVE REACHED THAT PERSON’S PLACE, you are not truly in a position to judge them. In fact, we also learn in Pirke Avot to judge the other person favorably, that is give people the benefit of the doubt, perhaps because we DO NOT actually know their reality and the context of their lives and decisions.

It seems that these are really valuable and foundationally important teachings to revisit and recommit ourselves to at this time of too much fracture in our society and often not enough understanding. This recalibration of how we look at each other’s experiences and realize we might not understand choices made in those situations may be particularly relevant in this season of gratitude, celebration and so much else.

These values were embedded in the environment in which I grew up and have been part of the ongoing spiritual and faith diet we provided for our children. One of the stories I remember well from my upbringing was shared by my mom. She along with her sister and mother, new immigrants to the United States, were poor and really struggled. Nonetheless, when they would see someone asking for money, my mom’s mom would give the person a nickel. My mom would watch them use the nickel to buy candy. She asked her mother how they could use the money they had just given them to buy candy when they were so poor – they should have used the money to buy something nourishing. My mom always explained that the answer was perhaps that was all they could eat or afford; not to judge them, just to remember that we don’t know why other people do what they do or what their story is.

During her senior year, our eldest daughter did her community service at a school/community center that had a program for unwed mothers and their children, often to help and protect them from their abusive boyfriends and/or families. She definitely met people that had a vastly different life from hers. One day she came home and was disturbed about the fact that there were young girls with their babies in designer sneakers in the program in which she was working. She didn’t understand how these welfare moms at such a young age had their children in expensive shoes when so much else was missing. We had long conversations with our daughter about how we had funds for our four children to go to college, with tens of thousands of dollars saved for that purpose. These young girls did not have any sources for or hopes of saving for college, a home or much else. They were showing their love for their children in the only way they could by buying what they thought they could afford, with the big things that add so much to our quality of life out of their perceived reach.

Years later, I was having conversations with colleagues about students in a Charter School who were getting food assistance and were being provided with many support structures due to their own lack of resources. The girls often came in with professionally manicured nails. One colleague asked why they would use money for that instead of books to read or other items that might truly improve their quality of life. Again, a manicure is a relatively small luxury and no amount of saving the money each one costs would improve the quality of life for these young ladies in their minds.

Now, clearly those of us who know to save for a home, for education, for vacations for the family and other such things have a perspective of life that has a long-range vision attached to it. This type of vision involves planning, resulting in retirement plans, contributing to community initiatives, and so much else that results from strategic planning for many years from now. That, in and of itself, comes with a set of assumptions – that our basic needs will be addressed, that we will be able to afford and access health care, carry insurance policies, and benefit from other important givens while planning for things much larger and more expensive.

It is incumbent upon those of us who have these lives to remember that when these givens are not present, a pair of designer sneakers, a manicure or a candy bar may be the only pleasure or “luxury” one can afford. Until one’s situation has changed to the point where they have reached that place, one cannot judge the need for these relatively tiny luxuries.