Are We Two Separate Countries or ….

I love Israel. I love that there are so many places where Arabs and Jews, Israelis and Muslims, Christians, Druze, Bedouins, and so many others play together, live together, work together, make music and beautiful art and drama together, cook and share meals together, learn more about each other, and solve challenges together. Sadly, these wonderful initiatives and organizations do not get enough publicity to offset the anger, the enmity, the extreme positions, and the bad behaviors that are often associated with Israel by those who are her detractors. Then of course on the other side of the attitudinal spectrum, the supposed purists who do not want to be tainted by the “other” do not acknowledge these wonderful programs and the many, many people who are part of these shared experiences that truly reflect the best of who we need to be and can be.

I am thinking of this always and particularly after our recent Tisha B’Av observance, it feels so present for me as an image to hold onto in these times in which so much destruction, discord, and extremist positions threaten what so many have painstakingly built and created. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for – that dystopian horror as reflected in the Israeli mini-series “Autonomies” illustrates what I have longed believed – that destruction from within is far more horrific and difficult to come back from than destruction from outside of an entity, a nation, a people. People who subscribe to either of these extremes do NOT represent Israel to me nor the Judaism that is my soul and heritage.

In the same vein, I love the United States of America. I love that there are opportunities for people who have not had similar chances elsewhere. I love that SO MANY OF US WHO ARE IMMIGRANTS OR THE CHILDREN OF IMMIGRANTS who took serious chances in changing and uprooting their lives and their families have the lives we have. I know I am filled with gratitude beyond words for the life I am able to live and my children and grandchildren are the beneficiaries because of those who took that chance and this country that allowed them their do-overs. I am grateful that I and my daughters and so many women have opportunities to truly soar, accomplish so much and heal so many. ( I have to say GO WNBA here, in deference to my daughters, the sports fanatics). I love that I can have wonderful relationships with colleagues, friends and neighbors from so many different racial, ethnic, national, religious, and other groupings.

In the meantime, I am painfully aware of those who are not in favor of these interactions and want the same “pure” and narrow groupings they self-identify as preferred. This pains me when human beings who benefit from so much in this country would withhold the very resources that bolstered them from others. I hurt profoundly when people reacting to those who exclude others do the same in their own extreme positions. This country was built by and depends on the cooperation of all – not self-identified narrow groups in a silo. We are all in the boat together, and no one can dig a hole under their seat without peril to all, nor can one throw everyone off the boat and do everything on their own to make sure it will stay its course. Those on the extremes do not represent me nor the America my grandparents put their faith in and my parents and their generation helped to defend and make better.

The Israel I love and to which I am so connected, as well as the America to which I am so grateful, are ongoing experiences of compromise and understanding the other. In my Israel and America, 100% of the people will never be 100% happy 100% of the time, but will realize that what I personally may give up will be for the betterment of the collective and I in turn will benefit from the compromise of someone else. Arabs/Palestinians and Israelis share more than what divides them on so many levels; all of us who have been the beneficiaries of the American hope and dream should have gratitude, not succumb to hubris. The Israel and America I love are collectives of ideas, people, customs, different perspectives, and so much else. By engaging with each other, we each learn and become so much more enriched. EACH IS AN ENTITY --- not separate silos. However, there are those who want the exact opposite…. And these days I feel like there are two separate collectives in the USA – those who are part of the collection and coalition of ideas and perspectives and those who want all of us in the first group OUT! Similarly, that dystopian drama that is Israeli shows Israel as two separate entities – one for the “purist” religious grouping (self identifies as superior) and the second entity for all who accept each other. Here THE WALL separates people within the Jewish community due to the exclusion of one of the groupings of all who do not live according to their standards.

In a world where people are so against vaccinations and then have to use resources by those who are living by the rules to heal from their illnesses due to COVID and where many Israeli Haredim (though not all fervently religious individuals) benefit from “the others” of whom they disapprove but keep them safe and pay the way for them to not pull their weight in contributing to the country that provides for them, let us consider what would happen if these two “country entities” were really allowed to separate – the destruction, the lack of resources for one half, the danger to all. WE NEED EACH OTHER and this is one of the powerful lessons of Tisha B’Av – that the only way we can continue is to realize that we all have to work together in a united manner, not separate into exclusive entities, ignoring, at least, and maligning, at worst, the other.

An Assignment: Thoughts on Learning about Identity and its Universality

Like so many others, I LOVE Shtisel. So why has it found a place in so many of our lives? I think it’s because of the universality of the appeal of these flawed, conflicted, confused, very human characters who flip out, love, question, and experience every other aspect of life with which we can relate, regardless of religion, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, race, family line and every other identifying marker of who we are and what our identity is. I just love stories like this!

When choosing my recreational reading pursuits, I look for the same – stories of identity, including all of the inherent conflicts, imperfections, aspirations and everything else that comes with being human. Having just recently completed Snow by Orhan Pamuk, telling the story of an exiled Turkish poet, one notes the universality of the identity journey. The Namesake, traces Gogol’s story as the son of immigrants from India in his American life and the conflicts that tear at him from the past and the present, often working at crossroads with each other. I found the same in so many memoirs from various cultural groupings, ranging from Arabic to Native American, from Eastern European to African writers. For all of these important authors who are witnessing history while recounting their individuated journey, they are sharing with us their personal stories while we shake our heads and remark, “that’s just like my life.”

I remember years ago there was a critique from Chinese writers that Fiddler on the Roof was actually their story (that someone else apparently co-opted) about generational transformation and the difficulties of maintaining one’s traditions while navigating the challenges and realities of the present world. Then there were Jewish women who were perplexed by The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, and specifically incensed that it is women who play Mah Jong, not men!

So here is a thought in our very fractured world where too often people cannot even see each other anymore, and to my dismay, I believe too many have stopped caring that this is even a concern.

Let’s all accept the assignment to read identity stories, especially from those cultures we supposedly do not understand and/or think so foreign and far removed from our own lives. When we come to the realization that what parents want for their children is generally universal, and that generational conflicts exist in all of our cultures, that inequities of social justice plague way too many of us, that our foods actually reflect cultural influences from various sources, and that we are all sharing this world, maybe then…. We will realize that there are so many aspects of life we can and should be working together to resolve. Then perhaps we will see each other as partners on our collective journey instead of the enemy in a race that no one seems to be winning.

Times for Restorative Thinking About Each Other and Ourselves

This past week was Parshat Acherei Mot-Kedoshim in the rhythm and cycle of Torah readings in the Jewish community. Sandwiched between chapters focused on the irreverent and immoral practices of two other peoples, the Jewish nation are told “You shall be sanctified and special because I the Lord your God am Sanctified (Kadosh).” This particular Chapter 19 of Leviticus/VaYikra is, we are told the middle of the Torah, the Five Books of Moses. The phrase “And you shall show love towards the other similar to yourself” is in the middle of this chapter, surrounded by injunctions such as to not place a stumbling block before the blind (that he cannot see), not to curse the deaf (who cannot hear your words), not to pervert justice, not to stand idly by while your friend or neighbor is so hurt, not to hold a grudge, to pay your workers on time and so many other dictates, including to “not hate your brother in your heart,” in the same spirit as loving the other as yourself. These actions are not easy, in fact they are the 24/7 stuff of which our daily lives are composed.

It is much more difficult to live by these all-pervasive laws and principles then specifics about what we eat, how we observe the Shabbat day and so forth. We are taught by Hillel that this love towards the other is a(THE)large foundational principle of all else found in Torah. It is this love, this concern, this empathy that I see compromised in our world too often today.

In a Shiyur I give weekly to a wonderful group of third through fifth grade day schools students, we are presently learning Beresheet (Genesis), Chapter 14 with all of the commentaries about the war between the kings of five different nations on one side and four national entities on the other side. It is a power struggle gone haywire. The kids know well that the kings are not behaving properly. In a second shiyur I give weekly to an amazing group of first and second grade day school students, we study the Weekly Portion – Parshat HaShavuah. There we were learning about this coming week’s reading, Parshat Emor. We were talking about the many restrictions on the Kohanim – the Priests who were the leaders invested with the preservation and facilitation of the religious praxis of the Jewish nation. We were discussing why so many restrictions were placed on the Kohanim in their personal lives. Within that discussion, we compared it to instances where there are not restrictions and leaders lapse into the well-known adage “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.” This finding was also noted in the power struggle being studied by our older group. In the younger group, one of the students remarked, “just like presidents today.” Touche!

This morning, I was listening to Morning Joe and a discussion about President Biden. They were discussing how transformative he might be or not be able to be. I got the feeling they were searching for the right word and the word RESTORATIVE popped into my head. That is what I think he is trying to do – be restorative, reminding us of corrupt practices and how they hurt others as well as the bad actors displaying them – reminding us to care about others, to not exact revenge, to not place stumbling blocks, curse and demean others, ignore the suffering of those around us. I do subscribe to the idea that is taught by so many of all faiths that if one suffers, all suffer. You cannot dig a hole under your seat in the boat and be upset that others are complaining – after all, your hole is not under their seats, right?

We all need to go back to the basics because the boiling point of hostility, hatred, ignoring the rights of others and so much else that are hallmarks of civilized people has been reached and is wreaking havoc in our lives. We must all consider that this boat we are all on is in danger and so too are we. We must understand that the message of Chapter 19 of Leviticus/VaYikra is that sanctity and the status of Kedusha is not a given, but must be earned through our positive and restorative actions. That is the only way we will achieve this aspirational status. Our leaders need to act to restore our sense of humanity for all human beings and groups, and we need to join them in doing so. Otherwise, we will continue this descent into the world of those who practice corrupt ways to the detriment of all. Our lives matter and depend on this! Do your part, please.

The Lesson of Dr. Albert Bourla

One of the lovely aspects of the rhythm of my life now is getting up early in the morning and watching Morning Joe on MSNBC before I begin my work day. What I love about this show is the breath and breadth of the perspectives of the folks they speak with. There are amazing people doing amazing things. There are lessons for all of us to share. There is a concern for all people and views. It is here as well as in many of the news media I select as my favorites that the desire is expressed to heal all of us -- to maintain the integrity of the Republican party, there is a focus on what the ISSUES are and the need to cut through the screaming and chatter. The values of balance, listening to each other, working from the proper motivations and so much else is here. It does not matter if one is from one or the other political party, liberal or Conservative, or whatever you are … come and join the discussion that is inclusive and reasonable.

I personally find this mix comforting and affirming when I walk out into the world and get slammed from the right for being too concerned about all of humanity and from the left for being, as one Rabbi called me some time ago, a hypocrite for being and living in an observant world. I have never personally had a problem with interfacing my degree of observance with my concern for all of G-d’s created beings – we are instructed to do exactly that and so much of Jewish Law/Halacha actually is formulated with that goal. This focus pervades my teaching, my writing, my life, my family’s amazing involvements with the world and so much else. So, yes, I look for those integrated voices, not too extreme on the right or left, but JUST RIGHT. Thank you, Morning Joe. Thank you specifically for this morning and for so many others!

This morning, Joe, Mika and Willie introduced all of us (for those who did not know who this amazing man is) to Dr. Albert Bourla. Dr. Bourla is the Chief Executive Officer of Pfizer Pharmaceuticals. Dr. Bourla, interestingly enough a veterinarian by training and profession, talked about the process of coming up with the Pfizer vaccine, the amazing group who worked together to make what may have seemed impossible possible, the spirit of cooperation at Pfizer, the rejection of any government money so they would not have to be beholden to their agenda (the previous administration), and how his own story and motivation impacts on his life.

Dr. Bourla’s parents were Holocaust survivors. They were in a town where 96% of the residents died in the Holocaust. His parents were two of the relatively few people who survived. Then he explains how they did not just survive but they thrived. They taught him and all in their lives not to be revengeful, not to hate, and not to be angry; but rather, to work to heal the pain in our world. They taught him to love all of G-d’s children and to do whatever he could to make life better for them.

In his role at Pfizer, from the beginning, the goal was to make a vaccine that would help everyone who is part of the world community. He explained how they did not just make the vaccine for Israel, for the United States, his home country of Greece, and for other select countries, but also for Germany, Poland and all countries that could benefit – indeed the entire world. This child of survivors, persecuted and hated for who they were did not live to hurt others, but to heal the world. Dr. Bourla explained that this is the foundation of all that he is and does and hopes that his parents are proud of him for carrying their lessons. He explained that he engaged in this important work to honor them and their teachings.

Just like our President, Joe Biden, explains that he is a President for ALL Americans, including those who do not like or agree with him, Dr. Bourla is concerned for all human beings – ALL OF G-D’S CREATED BEINGS. This is what we should all carry with us – are my actions and my initiatives and investments good for all people or selfishly for the few I like? The former position heals and builds, the latter one hurts and destroys.

I am sure that Dr. Bourla’s parents are proud of him from their seat in Heaven. I suspect that many of us doing work to heal and bolster the masses have parents and grandparents who are joining them as they watch from above and are collectively proud of all those who are dedicated to truly making this world a healthier and better one. May we continue to join hands and work collectively to heal our very fractured world.

An Open Letter to Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, please join our circle of trauma survivors

Your words of recent as a result of your experience and that of so many more on January 6, 2021have been particularly poignant and searing. In following the developing story of our present Congress and Senate, I am excited, or at least hopeful, when I see more diversity and hear more voices in our lives, as I do regarding our faith communities, and the many institutions that connect us all. I, as our children all empathize with anyone oppressed, as we consistently fight for social justice, work towards understanding, participate in bringing people together to hear each other’s stories and learn our narratives, so that we can truly SEE and therefore care intentionally about each other. This is part of the imprint of my background as the child and part of subsequent generations of Russian immigrants who had to escape persecution and start a brand new life here in the United States. To be sure, there is trauma in our collective background as well, both from that background and the fact that my mom was the victim of a violent crime in her young years. From this pain, I have learned the critical importance of building important bridges of understanding instead of putting up walls. Hearing and SEEING each other and our truths is fundamental to who I am.

Within the context of my professional activities, I engage and interact with regional groups of Multi-Faith sharing and an international group of academic scholars who are people of faith. We are Buddhist, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, Hindu, and part of so many other faith communities as well. We know that we can celebrate what we share while showing respect and have regard for where we differ. We often find ourselves addressing the notion that victims and survivors of trauma in one group have a really hard time seeing and addressing that there are others who have experienced trauma as well and that we would do best to join in our circles of survivors and “thrivers” to work together --- in building circles of understanding. These collaborations are more necessary today than ever, it seems.

I work with and educate about such groups in many different venues. For example, there is a wonderful collective called Parents Circle-Families Forum (PCFF), which is a group of Palestinian and Israeli parents, ranging from the not so observant Muslims, Christians and Jews to those who are quite devout who meet regularly to support each other and share their hearts in trying to figure out how we can all TRULY SEE EACH OTHER and negotiate a place where all can meet, respecting our differences while supporting each other through losses. They, as I, wonder why we can’t do this to AVOID the loss of life instead of commiserate after the fact of such unimaginable loss and horrific trauma. I and members of my family are often in Israel, and I love being there with those who live in communities of co-existence, those learning Arabic and Hebrew in a program promoting understanding, families who are part of the Yad B’Yad bi-lingual school system, athletes playing in leagues including all faith communities and national identities, attending university together, and so on. This is the reality in Israel and many from Palestinian areas are included as well. While this country, like any other, is far from perfect, there are not just isolated but many peaceful co-existence initiatives to be proud of and model.

In my work with so many individuals and leaders of faith communities, those of us who are particularly religiously identified such as myself, as an Orthodox Jew, are of singular interest. We are too often the only ones from our own religiously observant communities in the room, but we believe in our presence there. I have found such joy in sharing these journeys with so many people I have come to love as friends and colleagues, as President of our large Multi-Faith Council – where I have brought people together from all faiths to stand in solidarity with those suffering at the hands of extremists that would like to destroy all of us, or in times of joy, to share elements of our respective faith and belief systems with each other, note how some of our traditional foods are so similar, learning our ethnic dances, sharing the texts and foundational beliefs of our respective lives, and so forth. My husband and I have taught the strength of our convictions and religion alongside our strong conviction that every person is created in the image of God and is to be honored as such. This has always been our focus.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of people in our religious Jewish world do not think particularly well of you nor of Ilhan Omar, even though as I stated, I love to see diversity in our government. This makes me sad, but I understand how it happens, unfortunately. There are many who will claim that the yelling and words of the “extreme left” are as bad and dangerous as the “extreme right.” I think we can all agree that given the events that have transpired recently, clearly this is just not so. That being said, I would ask that you and your colleagues consider your words and remember that they will be taken out of context and misused or abused by those who wish to do harm while justifying their own violent and inexcusable actions. Further, please remember that all of us – all faiths, all loyalties, all nationalities need to stand together in strength, with respect and regard for each other and not let the extreme fringes of our respective groups (and we all have them) pull us to positions that exclude others in ways we ourselves do not want to be excluded; and shout hurtful words at others in the way we do not want to have others do to us.

We MUST build bridges of understanding and compassion and care, so that we all can work together to overcome the destructive forces that do indeed try to divide and ultimately obliterate us. This cannot happen. Our respective faiths teach us this. Our various codes of honor and laws instruct us so. Our shared membership in the human family demands it. Go forth in strength, with conviction and a desire to learn more about those with whom you may differ but can build meaningful and fulfilling alliances. In this way, let us all turn trauma into the blessing of a shared coalition of healing.

Looking Forward and So Now, What? Lessons For This Moment from Jewish Teachings

I have been worried. I have been sad. I have actually been devastated. This is why. It is not necessarily because of recent events. As horrifying as they are, they do not surprise me. I see and acknowledge the trajectory that has taken us to this point. I know that the USA that I see myself and my family as being part of is not the same, by a long shot, for many that are part of this collective. What I find profoundly frustrating is that common decency, the most basic elements of civil conversations, the lack of trust and the abject fear of each other have reached excessive heights to the point of crushing so much that is good and right about who we are supposed to be, no matter how much we fall short of that in reality at any point in time.

When I am in pain, I turn to the teachings that bolster me – those of my Jewish faith and our foundational texts – that teach us how to intentionally live in this world. Here are some of these powerful concepts that are mulling around in my head these days. Why can’t we all agree to follow these most basic elements as we negotiate disagreements and even opposing ways of looking at our world. As I often say, if we do not all learn how to play nicely on the one playground we have – this earth – there will be no playground for any of us.

EVERY HUMAN BEING IS CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD – Rabbi Harold Kushner and so many others teach that human beings are the language of God. God created all in our world and it is noted that after each piece of Creation “God looked and said It is good.” After the Creation of the human being, God said “It is very good.” Unfortunately, a bit later in the narrative reflected in the Torah, God regrets making the human being. God has to recalibrate expectations of this individual with free will whom God created just in that matter, hoping for the best perhaps and realizing that we are bound to fall short. If we will fall short of God’s expectations, how much more so this is true amongst us in the human family. Nonetheless, God created and is part of each of us and will continue to be the case no matter who may want to deny this is so. It is our responsibility to figure this human family thing out and I believe God cries tears when we do not. We are taught not to embarrass or hurt each other because we are in fact doing the same to The One Who Created Us All.

AND GOD SAID TO CAIN, WHERE IS YOUR BROTHER? --- How should I know, am I my brother’s keeper, glibly responds Cain. The answer is YES we are each other’s keeper, each other’s guard, each other’s protector. As we have learned when any one of us refuse to take that role on and put any single person or group at risk in doing so, we are ALL at risk. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks z’l often said, if we do not stand up for any group that is being threatened or maligned, then we have no right to expect that others will do the same for us. We have to understand each other, accept our differences and realize that at times we just will have to agree to disagree. If we cannot do this, as we read in this particular text in Beresheet/Genesis, “the bloods (of those we kill) will cry out from the ground.”

DESTROY AMALEK AND NEVER FORGET … -- Many commentators point out that this is not about the enemy outside of ourselves as much as the enemy inside us. The animus that brings humanity down to a state of inhumane actions is ultimately what will destroy all of us. When we persecute the weak or shout down the one with whom we disagree we destroy the very human part of all of us, that image of God that is the soul found inside of us. What Amalek did was to go after those who did not have a chance when they were vulnerable no different than other instances in which the stronger one took advantage of the one who needed their support, not their enmity. This is always a challenge whether we evoke the actions of Shimon and Levi towards the people of Shechem or those of any group who has the advantage over others who are compromised. We can all succumb to anger, to hatred, to forgetting that the “other” is just as human as we are. The very challenge that marks us as humans is when we rise above that to see the humanity in the other, whether that person is our friend or adversary. As Beruriah, an important woman in our Talmud said to her husband, Rabbi Meir, when he wanted God to destroy two people who were “evil” to him, “No do not pray for the destruction of people, pray for the obliteration of the evil that exists within us.”

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. – The Hebrew word for neighbor RE’AH is also the rooted word for that which is “not good” (necessarily). Some define it simply as “bad” but this is missing the point, for we are taught that it is the RA in each of us that sparks creativity – that says “all is not right or ‘very good’” and needs our attention. That being said, sometimes our initiatives come from a good or complete place and sometimes from a not completely good place, but no matter, we are to cherish all that we are. In this, we all have that inside of us which is good and complete and that which is not. When we are instructed to love the other or our neighbor as one’s self, we are being told to embrace that which is good and that which is not as good both in our own beings and in others. There are many other words that could have been used in this dictum – friend, brother, etc. but I think that the choice of this particular word teaches us that no one of us is completely good and finished and we are all on a journey, on which we will only be successful if we reach out and accept others, both those with whom we agree and those with whom we disagree.

DEATH AND LIFE ARE THE PRODUCT OF THE WORDS WE USE – This statement from Mishlei/Proverbs is worded very specifically. Note what comes first – the harm we can do with our words. The purpose of this wording is to give us pause – to, as the saying goes, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. As the Chofetz Chayim (a very wise Jewish teacher and thinker from years ago) teaches – ask yourself – What am I saying? What is the other person hearing? Why am I saying it? Is the way I am saying it appropriate in accomplishing a properly thought through goal? Will the person to whom I am saying it hear it? Then we are taught if we cannot answer these questions constructively, better to be silent. We MUST, according to Maimonides, consider words as actions, given what can evolve because of them, and proceed accordingly.

DO NOT STAND IDLY BY THE BLOOD OF YOUR NEIGHBOR – Remember what the words we speak can do. We have learned repeatedly that bystanders and those that do nothing enable evil and all that is not good to prevail. When another person is hurting or in pain, we are to act, NOT exacerbate that pain with words that can cause death or in acting from a power position as Amalek did. We are to feel invested in each other. We cannot say “I don’t know, am I my brother’s keeper?” as Cain did. All of this causes us pain and causes Our Creator pain. If we do not stand up for others in compromised positions, then as Rabbi Sacks stated, we will suffer alone. This is not what God wants, but in observing that unfortunately, to do these things is too much part of human nature, God regrets the creation of the human being.

I finish this writing on January 20, 2021, two weeks after a horrible attack on ALL OF US. We do not have to agree, clearly, we do not and will not – that IS our human nature and our CHOICE. BUT, we must come to an understanding that we have to use our words, our agency, our actions, and search our souls so that we can truly be the language of God we are meant to be. I am feeling a bit better this morning – a bit more hopeful – a bit less devastated – because I believe that we in the United States will now be led by a voice that understands we will not all agree. That leader will not mock the disabled, make disparaging comments about various religious groupings, call people of honor names, destroy verbally those who disagree with him, and not give hearing to those who disagree with him. As I write this, Joe Biden is in church praying for strength, praying for direction, praying that the best in him and the best in us will prevail. May God help all of us. May God to whom we all pray, whatever name we use to evoke God, protect us and remind us to be the best of humanity not the worst of inhumane treatment. May God bless America and all of the people that make it up and destroy the evil that lurks amongst all so that we can all be the best we can be!

Candy Bars, Designer Sneakers, Manicured Nails and Lessons in Understanding Others

There is a fundamental Jewish teaching from Pirke Avot [Ethics of the Fathers] that instructs us to not judge another person/ your friend until you have reached his/her place. We all know the adage that feels a lot like this one “Don’t judge an Indian (or grouping or person of your choosing) until you have walked in his/her moccasins.” So, you may ask, what is the difference? I think that Hillel, the one to whom the first teaching is attributed is adding another level to this notion of realizing the experience of the person standing before you, so to speak, is NOT the same as yours or what it would be if it was yours. Until you TOTALLY understand that person, not in the context of your experience, your values, or YOUR moccasins; but rather, WHEN YOU HAVE REACHED THAT PERSON’S PLACE, you are not truly in a position to judge them. In fact, we also learn in Pirke Avot to judge the other person favorably, that is give people the benefit of the doubt, perhaps because we DO NOT actually know their reality and the context of their lives and decisions.

It seems that these are really valuable and foundationally important teachings to revisit and recommit ourselves to at this time of too much fracture in our society and often not enough understanding. This recalibration of how we look at each other’s experiences and realize we might not understand choices made in those situations may be particularly relevant in this season of gratitude, celebration and so much else.

These values were embedded in the environment in which I grew up and have been part of the ongoing spiritual and faith diet we provided for our children. One of the stories I remember well from my upbringing was shared by my mom. She along with her sister and mother, new immigrants to the United States, were poor and really struggled. Nonetheless, when they would see someone asking for money, my mom’s mom would give the person a nickel. My mom would watch them use the nickel to buy candy. She asked her mother how they could use the money they had just given them to buy candy when they were so poor – they should have used the money to buy something nourishing. My mom always explained that the answer was perhaps that was all they could eat or afford; not to judge them, just to remember that we don’t know why other people do what they do or what their story is.

During her senior year, our eldest daughter did her community service at a school/community center that had a program for unwed mothers and their children, often to help and protect them from their abusive boyfriends and/or families. She definitely met people that had a vastly different life from hers. One day she came home and was disturbed about the fact that there were young girls with their babies in designer sneakers in the program in which she was working. She didn’t understand how these welfare moms at such a young age had their children in expensive shoes when so much else was missing. We had long conversations with our daughter about how we had funds for our four children to go to college, with tens of thousands of dollars saved for that purpose. These young girls did not have any sources for or hopes of saving for college, a home or much else. They were showing their love for their children in the only way they could by buying what they thought they could afford, with the big things that add so much to our quality of life out of their perceived reach.

Years later, I was having conversations with colleagues about students in a Charter School who were getting food assistance and were being provided with many support structures due to their own lack of resources. The girls often came in with professionally manicured nails. One colleague asked why they would use money for that instead of books to read or other items that might truly improve their quality of life. Again, a manicure is a relatively small luxury and no amount of saving the money each one costs would improve the quality of life for these young ladies in their minds.

Now, clearly those of us who know to save for a home, for education, for vacations for the family and other such things have a perspective of life that has a long-range vision attached to it. This type of vision involves planning, resulting in retirement plans, contributing to community initiatives, and so much else that results from strategic planning for many years from now. That, in and of itself, comes with a set of assumptions – that our basic needs will be addressed, that we will be able to afford and access health care, carry insurance policies, and benefit from other important givens while planning for things much larger and more expensive.

It is incumbent upon those of us who have these lives to remember that when these givens are not present, a pair of designer sneakers, a manicure or a candy bar may be the only pleasure or “luxury” one can afford. Until one’s situation has changed to the point where they have reached that place, one cannot judge the need for these relatively tiny luxuries.